Absolut-ly Tanking

You may have heard about the flak that Scandinavian-based Absolut caused with this new ad:

I could understand why many Americans would be upset by it. I wouldn't say I'm outraged but because of their stupid move I will probably never buy Absolut again. I had to applaud the quick initiative of SKYY Vodka, who jumped on the opportunity to celebrate the treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo, which ceded the Mexican territory that is now the western US in 1848. Luckily I had a bottle of SKYY chilling in my freezer when I read that and I used it to pour myself a White Russian, while contemplating how my rug really ties the room together.

So today I had to make a trip to the liquor store to replenish my SKYY supply, along with a few other items. When I got to the vodka section I found that the SKYY was sold out. There were a few bottles of their flavored melon whatnot, but I wasn't buying that crap. If I want fruit flavors in my vodka I will put them there, thank you. Oddly enough there was plenty of Absolut on the shelves. One might say there was an Absolut plethora. As in nobody was buying it.

I asked the clerk what the deal was, if they had any more SKYY in the back. He said no, they had just sold out and had another shipment on order. I asked how sales had been on Absolut since the Mexican ad. "Poor" was the response. Looks like I'm not the only one voting with my wallet. I wonder how their sales have been doing nationwide since the Reconquista attempt.

House Hunting

I've been spending some time lately looking at houses to buy. I've always been a rental kind of guy, basically because I don't spend enough time in any one place to see the point of owning property there. I've always seen it as an anchor, a way of saying "This is where I live. If you need to find me anytime in the next 5-20 years, well, here I am." I've always been more of one to see the world, and make it as hard as possible to be found by The Man.


But lately that's changing. I've seen the world. I've evaded The Man. And now I'm back. Since moving back to Gainesville a year ago, this place has felt more like home to me than anything I can remember. After graduating from college over a decade ago I never thought I would be back, but here I am. And I love it. I love the town, I have a great job that I don't see myself leaving anytime soon, and I am finding more to do here now than I ever did when I was in school. Add in some saved income and a perfect buyer's market, and I'm starting to look at throwing down cash and setting down some roots.


Even from a pure investment standpoint, buying right now just makes sense. Prices and interest rates are hitting their lowest in a long time and a rebound is inevitable. People will always need land, and it's value will continue to rise. Might as well get a piece of it while the gettin's good.

But where to get? I'm kind of torn. Part of me wants the convenience of a newly-constructed home, close to work and shopping. The problem is most of these builders squeeze as many homes as they can into a new development. They are beautiful houses, but so close to each other that you have a backyard the size of a postage stamp parceled right up against the next one. Whatever happened to the idea of giving people a freakin' yard? I don't mind being social, but I don't necessarily want my neighbors to be able to watch me showering from their kitchen window.

Another part of me wants to get a good-sized chunk of land a little further out town. Someplace where a man can spread out, live off the land, build a bonfire, and shoot off some guns without disturbance. Someplace you can call the dogs from the back porch to have them come bounding from the woods. Someplace to easily hide bodies...y'know, if you had to, that is.

There are such places not too far from here but they tend to be older, needing a lot of upgrading, and I'm not quite sure I'm ready for that much commitment yet. I might have to wait a few years to make that dream a reality. Until then, if you need to find me anytime in the next 5-20 years, well, here I am.

Spring Peepers

The nightly dog walk is never more adventurous than after a good rain. That's when the sidewalks come alive with hopping frog conventions. It's like a Stephen King story out there. Hudson loves it because to him frogs are like tiny little dog toys. He knows better than to eat them, at least when I'm around, but it's the height of entertainment to nudge them in the ass with his nose and make them hop along. He jumps alongside them, his tail wagging with delight. It's the little things in life that make us happy, I suppose.

It just occured to me: if there's this many of them on the sidewalks, then how many of them am I stepping all over in the grass?

Sunday Morning News Roundup

Running on the treadmill this morning because it's raining just a little too hard to comfortably run outside. Yeah, I'm a puss. One bonus of treadmill running is that I get to watch TV at the same time and I can get my fill of what they pass off as news these days. One story that caught my eye was this: London protestors agianst the Olympic torch to Beijing in favor of Tibet.

This is one instance where I can sympathize with protestors. For a group of people so peace-oriented, there seem to be a lot of "Free Tibet!" stickers slapped onto liberal bumpers everywhere. Taking on one of the largest world superpowers to do what they suggest doesn't seem to bother them. But on the other hand a country with such a terrible history of human rights violations shouldn't have been awarded the Olympic games any more than North Korea or Mugabe's Zimbabwe. As always, there are better ways of protesting than getting your ass dragged off to jail with a bloody nose, but at least their heart is in the right place.

Speaking of communist China, they need to have better security at their zoos.

"A tiger devoured a mentally ill man who entered the animal's zoo cage in northeast China, local media reported on Friday.
Only two legs and his skull were left, the report said."

Holy Jesus! How long do you have to neglect a cage to allow tigers to devour a man down to two legs and a skull?

Charlton Heston dies at 84. RIP to a man who walked the walk. As always, the compassionate left is less than sorry to hear of his passing.

Speaking of the compassionate left, via Ace, Obama supporters at the Democratic caucus in Seattle boo at the mere suggestion of reciting the Pledge of Allegiance:
"At the mere mention of doing the pledge there were groans and boos. Then, when the district chair put the idea of doing the Pledge of Allegiance up to a vote, it was overwhelmingly voted down. One might more accurately say the idea of pledging allegiance to the flag (of which there was only one in the room, by the way, on some delegate’s hat) was shouted down."

As someone who lived in The People's Republic of Seattle for quite a few years, I can tell you this is normal behavior for that crowd. When my cousin and I come out to visit some friends this summer we will personally raise the conservative presence in King County by 5%.

Nothin' Says Lovin' Like Hog Throats

One of the things I read while catching up on the last few days of the internet was this post over at Rachel Lucas' place lamenting the fat state of her dog Sunny. One of the helpful commenters suggested putting the dog on a diet of homecooked meals rather than canned slop. Woof even left a recipe that I must say sounds pretty damn tasty:


1 TB vegetable oil
1.5 lbs. ground beef
28 oz. diced canned tomato
1 qt. beef broth
Brown beef in oil, add tomato and beef broth, simmer for 10 mins.
Add 6 cups water, bring to a boil.
Add 6 chopped peeled potatoes and 6 chopped peeled carrots. Simmer for 10 mins.
Add a box of pasta - the short kind. Cook for 10 mins.
Add a bag of frozen peas or green beans, depending on what your dogs like.
Add 4 cups cooked barley (about 1/2 box).
Stir, cool, and serve.


I am not ashamed to say I would eat that and probably have seconds.


I had actually been thinking of moving Hudson to a "human" diet. For a labrador he has an almost snobbish dislike of dry dog food and sometimes after I scoop some into his bowl he looks up at me as if to say "Really? Is this what you think of me?" Some days he will just walk away and leave it there unless I mix in some canned chunks o' beef-like product or scraps of whatever I was eating. Doing some reading it sounds like many experts agree a dog's life is too short and sweet to go eating food he doesn't like.


Like all dogs Hudson loves people food. He will fix his eyes on me as I eat, a line of drool hanging from one jowl, using his canine Jedi mind tricks to compel food to fall to the floor. He won't dare jump up anymore; I've taught him that well, at least. But in his time as a puppy he managed to snag himself an entire unattended filet of salmon, three peaches that were drying on the countertop (pretty sure he thought they were tennis balls), and once ate a bowlful of jelly beans that gave him rainbow-colored shit for 2 days. Oh, and then there was the dead bird he found in a bush and swallowed whole. Pleasant events like that make me laugh at those folks who think that any change to a dog's diet will upset their delicate tummies. Please.


Given that he has been able to eat all these various items without any distress, and considering that dogs are omnivores designed to live on whatever they could find or kill, I think I will take my chances and upgrade Hudson to the stew or something like it. In addition to being healthier it will probably even be cheaper, not having to pay for multiple cans of food that have a #1 ingredient of "crude protein". I can guess what that really is, but I don't even want to know. I do know that my dog and I will both be happier if he weren't eating it.

Trying to Catch Up

I've been completely away from the computer for a few days, and hence I feel out of the loop as to what's going on in the world. It's actually a refreshing feeling; I think it's good to unplug from the Matrix and get enough fresh air to remember that all of the sensational stories we are bombarded with on a daily basis will have no direct bearing on our lives whatsoever, other than being able to talk about the latest sensational stories with the people around you.

As for why I've been away from the computer, well, I have spent the last few days kicking my own ass. It began on Sunday morning when I woke up after a long night out drinking with some friends. Mouth was dry, head was throbbing, and then came the vague memories of what happened the night before. On my kitchen counter was an empty bag of cool ranch doritos. My fingers were still coated in the unnatural orange dust. There was also the shredded wrapper of a tube of chocolate chip cookie dough. I didn't even remember eating that, but the dirty spoon in the sink said I did. I felt like the guy in the werewolf movie that wakes up naked in the woods the next morning to find the slaughtered victims of his beastly rampage. Let's just say I wasn't feeling my best.

So after shaking off the hangover I decided on Sunday morning to purge my system and kick my workouts to the next level this week. I pulled out my copy of the Navy SEALS workout and got down to business. I've done the program before and it is a killer: lots of running, lots of swimming, lots of pushups, pullups, and situps. I've made some variations to it to include some balance to certain muscle groups but overall it's a great program. You either need to have enough discipline to put yourself through some discomfort or have some sadistic friends to push you along when you get shaky. Luckily I have both.

What I don't have a lot of is time. I work long hours at a job that doesn't allow much contact with computers, only living, breathing humans. After I get off from work I have a choice of what I can do with those few precious hours of freedom: I can go do the grueling workouts I promised myself I would do, I could spend some time with friends and loved ones, I could read a good book, or I could get sucked into the time-wasting vortex that is the internet. And as much fun as that can be, I am trying to prioritize the more important things in life.

I managed to squeeze this post in because I woke up at 5:30 this morning to go running instead of doing it now. And God help me, it felt good. I can feel myself getting more energy through the day and waking up much easier in the mornings. It goes against all physical logic: spend more energy to gain energy. But dammit it works. So hopefully I will still be able to find some time to waste on the internet soon enough. It's too much fun to give up completely.

Albright Not So Bright

I don't know how much UF paid former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright to appear on campus and give 2 gloomy speeches yesterday, but it was too much. For someone who held such a high position in the US government, she sure doesn't know much about US history and it's consequences.

She called the invasion of Iraq "possibly the worst foreign policy blunder in American history" and gave a bleak assessment of the state of world affairs before a University of Florida audience Wednesday.

"I have said that I'm afraid that Iraq is going to go down in history as the greatest disaster in American foreign policy," Albright said. "Now that's quite a statement, because it means I think it's worse than Vietnam - not in the number of Americans who died or Vietnamese versus Iraqis, but in terms of those unintended consequences. And the biggest unintended consequence in Iraq is Iran. I think one might say that Iran has actually won the war in Iraq."

I think another might say that Iran is sweating profusely over the war that is still happening in Iraq and wondering if and when they will be next. But I guess everyone sees things the way they want to see them. History will prove one of them to be more right than the other.

Albright was the nation's first female secretary of state. Born in Czechoslovakia, Albright, 70, now teaches at Georgetown University and has authored a new book called "Memo to the President-Elect." The book outlines suggestions for the next commander-in-chief, pushing for more robust diplomacy efforts in a world she describes as increasingly menacing. "I don't think I've ever seen the world in such a mess," she said. "That's a diplomatic term."

No, that's an idiotic term. She calls for "more robust diplomacy efforts" in the face of an "increasingly menacing" world? Sweet Jesus. That's called "capitulation". If the world is menacing you, you don't kneel down before it or discuss it over tea. If you know what's good for you, you menace it right back or be prepared to say goodbye to what is yours. Many countries and cultures before ours have done exactly what she suggests and if any of them are still around it is only because of the intervention of others who weren't afraid to stand up to the threats of the day.

You would think Ms. Albright would appreciate that, having been born in Czechoslovakia in 1937, and fleeing both from the nazis in 1939 and the communists in 1948. You would think she would realize that the greatest foreign policy blunder is not one of action but that of inaction. Standing aside and allowing evil to pursue it's goals is what led to the rise of every dictator through the ages. Sometimes it's hard to recognize the threat as it's growing, but sometimes it's not. Pay attention to history and it becomes easier to see when it's trying to repeat itself.

But Ms. Albright knows all about standing aside in the face of tyranny. She was involved with the UN in the 90's and pursued "more robust diplomacy efforts" while a million were slaughtered in Rwanda. One of those pesky unintended consequences of a major foreign policy blunder. Some might say the worst in American history.

Calm Down Or We'll Call The Brute Squad

I love this story like sunshine and puppy dogs:

"Members of a South African rugby team say they forcibly quieted an obnoxious drunk on an airline flight at the request of the crew.

Three lads from the Stormers stepped in Sunday during a flight from Sydney to a match in Perth, Australia, and gave the allegedly aggressive passenger a solid smack on the head that set him straight for the rest of the trip."

Added bonus:

"The passenger remained in time-out mode until the flight landed and he was arrested."


Sweet. There should be roving squads of rugby players giving smacks on the head to all kinds of annoying people, and not just the unruly drunks. The idiots who can't figure out that you shouldn't wear metal objects through a metal detector, for one thing. For another, the mouthbreathers who failed spatial geometry and don't realize their large trunk made of solid oak won't fit in the overhead bin.

This story reminds me of one of the best commercials ever: Terry Tate: Office Linebacker .

Speaking of Great Inventions

This is pretty damn cute: an engineer invents an automated ball launcher for his dog:



Good idea to include the counter. I'm pretty sure if I left this thing on for Hudson when I went to work I would come home to find it had been launched 4,872 times. But a tired dog is a good dog, even though nothing could take the place of having slimy wet tennis balls dropped at my feet for yet another throw.

The Best Idea I've Seen This Week

I can't believe nobody ever thought of this before:

Beer taps at your table.


To use the taps, diners simply reach into the middle of the table and pull the lever to get as much — or as little — beer as they'd like. Meters and valves monitor the flow and instantly display how many ounces the table has tapped.


Of course, this unique system demands a new pricing scheme. Charging customers by the ounce instead of by the drink means that if a full pint of brew costs $4, a single ounce would only cost a quarter.

Libby promotes it as a way to cut down on serving time. It also allows restaurants to charge for every drop — even spillage or foam. And it lets some lighter or slower drinkers guzzle at their own pace.

"Sometimes you're with your husband and he drinks twice as fast as you — and you can only down a quarter beer," complained 31-year-old Jennie Olshaske, nudging in her spouse's direction. Now, she said, she can pour as much — or as little — cold beer as she wants.



I would love to shake that soon-to-be-millionaire's hand, especially after sitting at a busy sportsbar in Tampa last weekend with woefully neglectful service. The next best thing i've seen was a sushi place in Seattle that had little conveyor belts continuously carrying plates of sushi past every table as the chefs kept sending fresh dishes out from the center. Just sit down, grab a few plates as they slide by, and start stuffing your face. At the end of your meal, the waitress just totals up your stacked dishes, color-coded for price, to determine your bill. Simple and beautiful. Add in the self-serve taps and you have a recipe for perfection.

Keanu Says "Whoa" To CO2

So Keanu Reeves is doing a remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still, except now instead of the alien visiting Earth to warn humanity of the threat of nuclear war, he will be coming to save us from.... wait for it..... global warming.

Per Keanu on MTV's blog:

“The first one was borne out of the cold war and nuclear détente. Klaatu came and was saying cease and desist with your violence. If you can’t do it yourselves we’re going to do it. That was the film of that day,” Reeves explained. “The version I was just working on, instead of being man against man, it’s more about man against nature. My Klaatu says that if the Earth dies, you die. If you die, the earth survives. I’m a friend to the earth.”

So basically we're screwed no matter what. Thanks, Klaatu! Question: if this alien visitor is so concerned about the Earth, why doesn't he share his clean-burning space hyperdrive technology with us?

Although I must say it is a good bit of casting to get Keanu Reeves to play an emotionless robotic character, this one is going to go over like a turd in a punchbowl. If you check out the comments at the bottom of the story you will see everyone on the MTV message boards dogpiling not only on this movie, but on the whole overblown concept of global warming. I thought if anybody would buy into that crap, it would be the MTV crowd, the "voice of the future". Looks like they're not buying it, and that makes me happy. There's hope for the future yet.

Tourneys and Journeys

Lots going on this weekend, and I'm afraid posting will be light. All 3 of you will be mildly disappointed.

First of all, we are into the annual frenzy of March Madness, and even though my Gators aren't in it this year, I can still obsess over my bracket picks and run to a TV every 15 minutes during work to check how poorly I'm doing. I read somewhere that the Tourney will cost the economy $3.8 billion dollars in lost productivity from people like me, but here Forbes calls foul on that one.

BTW, Duke almost gave me a heart attack the other night. I fill out my brackets by using The Force, just looking at the matchups and waiting for a winner to reveal itself to me. In the later rounds I might use a coinflip. I ended up with Kansas beating Duke in the final game this year, even though I haven't watched either team play all year. Duke almost scuttled me in the first round by just squeaking by #15 Belmont. And remember what I said about a 12 beating a 5 every year? Not only did it happen twice yesterday, but we also got two 13s over 4s too. Cinderella is not only alive and well this year, she took a hefty dose of amphetamines.

As for me I will be heading out of town for a long weekend around the state. First down to Marco Island for Easter with the family. Then I will be taking a couple days off work for a fishing/scuba trip into the Gulf of Mexico toward the Keys. It's been too long since I've breathed underwater and I'm itching to get wet again.

Happy Easter to all!

*UPDATE*- Well, it looks like Duke waited until the second round to stick their finger in my ass. Now that my bracket has been essentially busted, I turn to the Dark Side and pray for chaos to reign in the tournament. Bring on the shocking upsets, baby!

The Scientific Guide to Relationships

Although I'm not quite sure what "null set" means, the rest of this handy chart looks pretty accurate to me. I think I've been just about everywhere on this map at some point. Haven't we all?

Feeling Green

Man, it's been too long since I've gone out and really celebrated St. Patrick's Day like it deserves to be celebrated. Since I had the day off work today I figured this is the year I made up for lost time. I probably shouldn't have done it when I'm still getting over the cold from hell, but sometimes you just gotta go get shitfaced.

We started out at Hogan's and filled our stomachs with some good heavy sammiches to soak up all the tasty beer that would soon be splashing down of top of them. Damn place was out of Guiness so we had to settle for pitchers of Bass. I know, I know, Bass is English, but waddya gonna do?

We proceeded downtown from there to compete with the college kids. It wasn't as busy as I thought it would be; most of the students must have been too broke or hungover from last week's Spring Break to go out last night. Still a respectable crowd, but not up to the usual UF standards. We got to squeeze up to a bar and make ourselves comfortable for the rest of the evening, which got a little blurry after a few more pitchers. I remember arguing the nuances of bracketology with someone (there is always a #12 over #5 upset, you just have to guess which one), and I remember singing along to the best last-call song of all time.

The rest of the evening was shimmery.

It may or may not have been like this.

Honor Our Heroes

I missed this story when it came out last week, but I'm not the only one. Most of our major media outlets somehow missed it too. That's alright, it's so damn cool it deserves repeating.

Woman Earns Silver Star In Afghan War

CAMP SALERNO, Afghanistan - A 19-year-old medic from Texas will become the first woman in Afghanistan and only the second female soldier since World War II to receive the Silver Star, the nation's third-highest medal for valor.

Army Spc. Monica Lin Brown saved the lives of fellow soldiers after a roadside bomb tore through a convoy of Humvees in the eastern Paktia province in April 2007, the military said.

After the explosion, which wounded five soldiers in her unit, Brown ran through insurgent gunfire and used her body to shield wounded comrades as mortars fell less than 100 yards away, the military said.

19 years old. Damn. All of the dirty hippies wearing puppet heads and protesting the war should be kneeling down to polish her boots. If our media had it's head anywhere except planted firmly up it's own ass, stories like this would be front page material the day after they happen. Instead we get treated to a tally of every unfortunate casualty suffered by our side.

I started wondering how many other stories of heroism and valor are going unmentioned by our 4th estate/5th column, simply because they are too invested in portraying our soldiers as dupes and victims. The Medal of Honor is a tough one to win, and so far in Iraq/Afghanistan there have only been 3 awarded. But if you have the time you can browse around here and read the stories of every winner from the Civil War onward. Something to be proud of.